Regrets
by hostilecrayon
Summary: Hachi has a lot of regrets about her past, but maybe with a little help, she can put some of the past behind her and start again. Nobuo/Hachi
1. Part I

Title: Regrets

Author: hostilecrayon

Fandom: NANA

Pairing: Nobuo/Hachi

Rating: PG

Warnings: Angst Spoilers for up to the end of the anime/manga Chapter 84.

Disclaimer: Nana is property of Ai Yazawa, Cookie and Viz Media.

Word Count: 995

Notes: So Nana is on hiatus for a couple months… which kind of makes me want to cry. And since I'm sincerely rooting for a Nobuo and Hachi end result, and I couldn't find much fanfiction on it, I wanted to write a fic. In the last episode of the series, and I believe chapter 42 in the manga, they show a piece of the future (or I guess technically the present…) where Hachi fills the bathtub for Nobuo and she has some memories about him, and when she turns to leave, he grabs her hand. There have been 42 more chapters and that hasn't been explained yet… So I just kind of want to capture that moment somehow. Because at this rate, it could be another three years before I get an explanation. .; Since it only comes out once a month and they've announced a few months' hiatus… Here's my crack at it. Also, the ring comment comes from a later chapter in the manga where Junko asks Hachi if she's going to get a divorce, since Takumi and Hachi separated. (No, I have no idea how the timeline actually fits together, so I made it fit my convenience, of course. Which, I suppose, makes this a Divergence and/or a TWT – Timeline, What Timeline?)

I might write a sequel. It's actually kind of intended to have a sequel, so I probably will.

**Regrets**

_Hey, Nana, do you remember that night we took that bath together? That night, I told you how Nobuo felt about me. I don't know if it was Nobuo grabbing my hand that day or the memories of us talking in that bathtub together, but somehow, my fate felt like it started to change just after I'd given up on such things._

_I think it may have been a little of both. What do you think, Nana? Would you smile if you knew?_

_Would it make you happy, Nana?_

---

It was the night of the Tamagawa Fireworks Festival. No matter what was going on in our lives, we always made time to meet in room 707 each year. It felt so good, and yet, we were still incomplete without Nana. Everything was exactly as it was when we lived together, and it was impossible not to get lost in the memories of what once was. Having Shin, Yasu and Nobuo all sitting at the little table you built for us was harder than I could say.

And as I ran the water for Nobuo, the memory of that night in the bath with Nana washed over me.

"_Nana, listen. The truth is, Nobuo…"_

"_What's that about Nobuo?"_

Times were different back then, and I couldn't help but think of what might have been.

"Nana?" Nobuo drew me from my thoughts, calling me by my given name. It had been many years since he called me Hachi, one of the many things I lost that fateful day when Takumi appeared out of the blue and changed my whole world. I turned to face him, wondering if he could see through me. Hoping that he could, maybe. He took a few steps towards me with that concerned look on his face. It was a look I'd never get used to. "What are you doing?"

I smiled emptily and held up a container. "Yuzu bath salts. Smells nice, doesn't it?" Honestly, I knew even then that it was a flimsy explanation, but I was afraid. After so many years, still, I harbored the same feelings. But at the time, I was so sure that I would only hurt Nobuo more by revealing them.

So I lied. "You don't have to worry like this. I'm fine now." I was far from fine, and we both knew it. Raising a child alone, separated from a husband who was never able to put me first was more difficult than I would allow myself to show. It was the path I chose. Right or wrong, you cannot change the past. I avoided eye contact. The sadness in his eyes was too intense to bear.

"It's hot in here," I said, wiping my face with a towel. "I put out a towel for you too, young master." I hid behind my formalities and stood to leave. Kneeling there on the floor next to where I just was, he turned and grabbed my hand.

For one short moment, I remembered the first time he grabbed my hand beneath the stars, long ago when there was still hope left for me in this world, and I couldn't stop the look of regret for losing the one man who could have made me truly happy.

My hand turned in his, or perhaps he turned it, and the ring that was supposed to be my promise of happiness glinted much brighter than my life had ever been since I'd put it on. We stood frozen like that, his fingers warm on my hand, for what seemed like a lifetime.

Slowly, he withdrew his grip, and, unable to speak, I turned to leave, but his soft voice stopped me. "Why do you still wear the ring?"

When I looked back, he was staring into the bath water, and I wished he could see what I did in it only moments before. I didn't have any answer that I felt was good enough for him. So instead, I changed the subject.

"I look forward to the fireworks every year. But you know, nothing could compare to those convenience store fireworks we lit together, don't you think? If I had to pick one moment to live in forever, I know in my heart that it would be that night."

Nobuo looked at me then, his eyes wide, and I wondered what he was thinking. The sound of Satsuki's voice echoed through the kitchen and into the bathroom, and I thought that maybe even that night was tainted somehow. I was already pregnant with the child I chose to raise with the wrong man. If only I had made different choices.

Even though I was not the selfish child I was back then, I couldn't stop the tears. Tears for me… and tears for Nobuo. I couldn't understand in that moment why, after all of the pain I had caused him, he swept me up in his arms then. It reminded me of that time in the dormitory in front of Ren's shrine when we cried together. I think that was the first time I fully realized how big of a fool I was.

"_I really wish to teach her to play the guitar."_

Nobuo would have raised the child as if it were his own, whether it was or not. He just needed me to tell him that's what I wanted. He's always thought of me, and yet, even when I tell myself I'm doing something for him, it's really just my own selfishness.

As I stood there weeping into his shirt for what might have been, in a shaking voice, he whispered, "Do you think, if we wished for it hard enough, we could get back there somehow?"

I just cried harder.

_Hey Nana, what do you think of me now? Even if you think poorly of me, I'd like to see you again so I could hear you say it in that voice that I've always admired._


	2. Part II

Title: Regrets  
Author: hostilecrayon  
Fandom: NANA  
Pairing: Nobuo/Hachi  
Rating: G  
Warnings: Angst, Spoilers for up to the end of the anime/manga Chapter 84.  
Disclaimer: Nana is property of Ai Yazawa, Cookie and Viz Media.  
Word Count: 943  
Notes: I have too much love for Nobuo and Hachi to leave them hanging like this. So here we go, round two. …Which has turned into something that requires a round three. Why does everything I write try to turn into an epic?

This part there is very little Nobuo/Hachi, though this is building up to that. In this chapter, Hachi meets up with Shin to ask him a very important question.

Stay tuned! Part III soon!

**Regrets – Part II**

_Hey Nana, the truth is, the reason I still wear the ring has nothing to do with Takumi. It's because of you. I feel as if it connects us somehow. I don't know if you still wear the ring, but I like to think that you do._

_Maybe I'm just being sentimental, but I think you would understand. After all, isn't that why Ren bought you a ring that matched mine in the first place?_

_I'm scared, Nana. I don't know if I can start all over again with men. Wearing the ring on my left hand keeps people away. If you were here, I might be stronger than I am now. But even still, maybe I can finally move it to my right hand. After all, then we would truly match._

_And maybe that simple act will take away some of the pain._

---

More than anyone else, Shin is the one I talk to the most. I do my best to dote on him like a mother would, and he sends me e-mails frequently. Once every few weeks, we meet at a coffee shop to catch up. I would even go so far as to say that he is my closest friend in Tokyo. I see Nobuo from time to time, but there is so much hidden between the lines that our visits are brief and we don't talk very much anymore. He tends to spend more time with Satsuki than me when we do meet up, and it makes me think that he would make an ideal father.

Shin's changed a lot over the years. His hair is no longer blue, and the number of piercings he wears has decreased significantly. He's shot up quite a bit in height – a fact he never lets escape Nobuo. He was always mature in his own way, despite his childlike antics, but now he carries it like the man that he's become. I really do feel a motherly sort of affection for him and I'm as proud of him as any mother would be of her son.

When I entered the coffee shop, he smiled at me from the seat he had taken by the window. He always looked happy to see me, and that day was no exception.

"Sorry," I said as I took the seat across from him, "but I was a little late getting Satsuki to school. I hope you didn't wait long."

"No, it's only been a few minutes. I took the liberty of ordering you some tea." He gestured to the cup in front of me, and I sipped at it.

Moments passed in idle talk. We talked about work, children and random everyday things. The usual catching up conversation. It wasn't until we had to refill our cups that I built up the courage to talk to him about the thing I came here today to talk about.

I hesitated for a moment before just heading right into it. "Shin, I have sort of an odd question for you."

He looked up, his face sincere. "You can ask me anything, Hachi, you know that."

I fidgeted a little, drumming my fingernails against the cup I cradled in my hands. "Do you think it would be okay if I wore my wedding band on my right hand?"

Shin's eyes widened and his gaze flicked from my eyes to the diamond on my finger and back again. I'm not sure why I asked Shin this question, but without Nana around, he was the only person close enough to me to discuss it with. It seemed like too big of a decision to make on my own. He was also the only person who I felt didn't need an explanation. Shin just understood certain things better than the other people who were in my life at that time. It was part of what made him so mature.

"Are you ready to let go of that part of your past? Or is it something else?" His words were soft, and I knew what he was implying.

I shook my head softly. "Takumi and I have been separated for what feels like a long time now. And even before that, it was over between us. I can't take it off completely for Nana's sake, but I think maybe it's time I stopped giving the impression that we are going to work things out. But, it would also mean…" I looked away, not really sure how to finish the sentence.

Shin finished it in his own way. "That you would be available again."

I sipped my tea, buying some time. Neither of us had to say it, but Nobuo was floating beneath the surface of our conversation. "I don't know how to handle it, Shin. It's been a long time."

Shin's expression softened, and he reached a hand out and placed it over mine. "There's no need to be afraid, Hachi. Back then, when I said I'd support you no matter what, I meant it. Just because you aren't wearing your wedding ring doesn't mean that you have to be involved with anyone. But I also think it's time you put some of your past behind you."

I smiled gratefully, and was rewarded with a smile in return. "Thank you, Shin. It means a lot to me."

"I have to look after my mother, after all."

Our laughter echoed through the little coffee shop.

---

_Hey Nana, I think I just might be strong enough to take another step away from my past. But no matter how far I get, you will always be right beside me._

_Have you left me behind, Nana?_


	3. Part III

Title: Regrets  
Author: hostilecrayon  
Fandom: NANA  
Pairing: Nobuo/Hachi  
Rating: PG  
Warnings: Angst, Spoilers for up to the end of the anime/manga Chapter 84.  
Disclaimer: Nana is property of Ai Yazawa, Cookie and Viz Media.  
Word Count: 1,240  
Notes: This goes out to Mint from fanfiction dot net, my only NANA fan so far!

This is Hachi dealing with her issues. Next chapter – character interaction! Horray!

**Regrets – Part III**

_Hey Nana, despite everything that's happened, I still believe in fate. Don't get me wrong, I've questioned that belief more times than I can count, but in the end, I can't deny its existence._

_I truly believe that it's fated that we'll meet again someday. Just you wait. I'll find you, Nana._

---

I thought long and hard about my conversation with Shin. It was brief, but the conversation seemed so much longer with all the subtext hidden in it. Shin knew, probably better than anyone, that Nobuo still had feelings for me. And even after all these years, I still had feelings for him, too.

But it was so much more complicated than that.

I toyed with the ring for the rest of the day, twisting it back and forth as I thought. Even Satsuki couldn't keep me distracted, and that's pretty rare. She can be a handful at times. I was so out of it, I almost burned the dinner.

We ate quietly, or I should say, I ate quietly, as Satsuki, being just a child, had a habit of asking rapid-fire questions about anything and everything. I waited for the question that she asked me every night, but I still couldn't help but flinch a little when it came.

Sleepily rubbing her eyes, she asked, "When is daddy coming home?"

I picked her up, carrying her to her room to lay her down for sleep. "Daddy is out of the country right now honey. He'll come see you as soon as his work is finished." I knew that the majority of his work had been done for a while, but I couldn't tell Satsuki that. He'd come see her in his own time, as with everything else that wasn't work. He was a decent father, but since the separation he didn't see her nearly enough for either my or our daughter's taste. She missed him, and it was painful to see my daughter go through that.

I tucked her in and rubbed her back absent-mindedly until she fell asleep. I wandered out into the kitchen and cleaned up as I did every night. When I got around to checking my phone, I noticed I'd missed an e-mail. It was just a short note from Yasu asking if everything was well, and I replied that it was. Yasu had always been kind, and when Blast was still together, he sort of acted like a protective figure. I smiled a little at the thought of Yasu protecting me in Nana's place. It was just the sort of thing he'd do.

I laid back on the couch, and my mind dredged up memories of the wooden seats in room 707. As comfortable as the sofa was, I would have rather been sitting on the hard wood in room 707. But it would be meaningless without Nana. When Takumi and I separated, he offered to continue paying for that expensive apartment he'd gotten when he found out I was pregnant, but I refused. The day I moved out was one of the first steps I made towards independence.

However, I couldn't bring myself to stay in room 707 alone. So I got a job and paid my own way. Takumi still sends me money, and he would give me whatever I said I needed, but I made sure to take only what I needed for Satsuki. Not a single penny was spent on me. Otherwise, moving out of that expensive apartment would have been completely pointless. I was living in Tokyo, not far from the river that we used to walk alongside each day.

I wanted to be nearby if Nana came to look for me. I still go by there every once in a while, just to check on the place. All of us – Shin, Nobuo, Yasu and me as well – have ties to that place, and each month we split the rent four ways for an apartment that no one lives in. I think we all feel it's best to keep the place exactly as it was. No matter how many years pass, we all want to keep believing that Nana will be back one day and things will be normal again. For that purpose, time stopped in that room. It hasn't changed at all since I moved out.

The diamond on my hand caught my gaze again, and I wondered if I was really ready to take the next step. When I really thought about it, the only real difference was one that was in my mind. Takumi and I were over. We didn't hate each other, but it was still clear that our relationship was doomed right from the start. Anyone who knew me well knew this about me. I wasn't concerned with what strangers thought. So why was it so difficult?

I took a deep breath and told myself that I was just moving an object from one place to another. It really wasn't that important. I closed my eyes and just pulled.

It came off surprisingly easily for as long as I'd been wearing it. I blinked, looking at the ring now sitting in the palm of my hand. It was almost disappointingly simple, and yet, I could feel my chest tighten at the sight of it separated from my body. I could feel my eyes burn, and I quickly slipped it onto my right hand, wearing it like Nana did when Ren died.

Even though I was still wearing it, I felt different somehow. It was somewhat sad, and yet freeing at the same time. It was as if some of the burden left my shoulders that night, and I cried with the overwhelming release of it all.

I picked up my cell phone, wanting someone to talk to but not knowing who to call. Junko was busy with work, I'd already bothered Shin about it, and it wasn't something I'd talk to Yasu about. That only left Nobuo, but that wouldn't have been right, either.

In the end, I settled for sending Shin an e-mail that just said, "I did it!" with what I hoped looked like enthusiastic text. But Shin always did know me better than that. I got a reply almost instantly despite it being near midnight that said, "Is Satsuki sleeping?" Puzzled, I sent him back a yes and he responded again with "See you in a half hour."

I told him not to come, but that was pretty useless. There was a soft knock on the door twenty-five minutes later. I closed Satsuki's door and padded in my bare feet to the apartment door and pulled it open. "I told you not to come…" but I cut off mid-sentence when I saw who was at my door. Not only Shin, but Nobuo and Yasu were there as well, complete with bags of alcohol and a mahjongg set.

The tears began to flow once more and Shin took my in his arms, hugging me for all he was worth. Nobuo and Yasu both smiled gently at me and squeezed past us into the apartment. "Don't worry mom," Shin whispered, "your family is here now."

It really did feel like coming home. If only Nana had been there, everything would have been perfect.

---

_Hey Nana, you're part of this family, too. Come back to Tokyo._

_If you do, I'm sure you will feel the same love that I do now._


	4. Part IV

Title: Regrets  
Author: hostilecrayon  
Fandom: NANA  
Pairing: Nobuo/Hachi  
Rating: PG  
Warnings: Angst, Spoilers for up to the end of the anime/manga Chapter 84.  
Disclaimer: Nana is property of Ai Yazawa, Cookie and Viz Media.  
Word Count: 1411  
Notes: Wow, third piece of this story in one day. Now I want to sleep, as much as I'd like to write the next piece. Oh well. It probably won't be too long until I write Part V. As long as my muse doesn't run away with me, it'll probably be the last piece. Probably. But we all know my muse, right? It never listens to me. Oh well. We'll see.

**Part IV**

_Hey Nana, do you ever wonder what life is all about? I don't have any answers to my questions, but right now, I don't really care. Being loved by my friends is what is important to me now._

_Do you still love me, Nana?_

---

To this day, I don't know what Shin told them to get them to come over in the middle of the night like that. All I know is that no one asked any questions. Yasu calmly set up the mahjongg tiles on my tiny coffee table. When Shin finally let go of me, he made sure to put the alcohol in the fridge after handing out beers to everyone. And Nobuo just sat on the couch watching Yasu set up the game. I did notice, however, that he had brought his guitar. In the days of Blast, this would have been pretty normal, but nowadays, I don't usually see Nobuo with his guitar. Especially not when he's just coming to my house.

I cracked open my beer and took a long swallow before taking a seat on the opposite side of the couch that Nobuo was on. Shin was already on the floor, mussing with the tiles Yasu had laid out. I wanted to say something, anything, but I still wasn't quite able to.

It seemed that no one expected me to speak yet. It took Yasu and Shin just a bit too long to set things up, and it was obvious that they were giving me time to adjust. It really just choked me up more, but for different reasons than before. I swallowed it back and tried to smile, looking over at Nobuo's guitar case as if I hadn't seen it earlier.

"Did you play somewhere tonight?" Though Nobuo still played his guitar probably every day, he didn't play publicly anymore. None of the Black Stones did. Not without their Nana.

Nobuo's complexion reddened a bit, and he said, "No, I'm just working on a song right now. I guess I didn't want to be too far from my guitar, if you know what I mean."

I couldn't help but get a little excited. Nobuo's compositions were always my favorite. "Oh, really? Will you play it for me when you finish it? It's been a long time since I've heard anything you've written."

He grinned, then chugged down the rest of his beer. He stood to get another. "Sure. Has it really been that long?"

"Yes, it has." When I was younger, I may have gone a little over the top here, but I have also matured with age. At least in some ways. "I haven't heard anything new from you since Gaia music." It was easier to say than 'since Nana left'. "You've been teaching Satsuki to play, but you only play chords and harmonies. You never play anything of yours."

Nobuo, whose face was in the fridge at that moment, peeked over the top of the door with raised eyebrows. "You were listening?"

I finished off my beer and laughed a little. "Of course. I want to make sure I know what you're teaching my daughter."

Nobuo chuckled and came back with two beers, handing me one. "Like I would teach her anything bad."

"Well, you never know."

"You know me better than that."

We both blushed a little here and there was a lull in the conversation. I did know him better than that, but I didn't know him as well as I once did. I watched as he took a large drink off of his newly opened beer then and I playfully scolded, "Don't drink too fast. I'm not going to be responsible if you pass out."

"I'll be careful," he said, but the friendly tone we'd been talking with sort of fell flat.

"Do you guys want to play?" Yasu asked, and we all sat on the floor around the coffee table.

Since we started getting together for the fireworks festival, they've taught me how to play. I'm still not very good, but at least now I can sort of keep up. We played a few rounds, and Shin even lost once to Yasu, but me and Nobuo both lost constantly, and after a while we excused ourselves from the game and went back to our spots on the couch to watch.

We'd both had a bit more to drink, but neither of us were really drunk, and as we sat in silence, Nobuo pulled out his guitar.

"I'll play you a couple of songs I've written recently, okay?" He plucked at the strings lightly, checking the sound. It was an acoustic guitar, and the sound was pleasant to hear. It had been a long time since I'd heard anyone play a guitar in the same room as me.

"Okay. But what about the song you're writing right now?"

"It's not finished yet. I promise I'll play it for you when it's finished."

I hummed an affirmative, and he began to play. As always Nobuo's melodies affected me, but these newer songs seemed to reach me on a deeper level. I closed my eyes and listened to the soft sounds of the guitar and the clacking of tiles for a while.

He continued to play late into the night, and the more he played, the more I was moved by his music. It nearly brought me to tears. And that's when I realized it. All of his recent songs were sad ones. They had none of the upbeat chords that his Blast songs had. These chords were soft and low, almost as if he were playing the blues.

I opened my eyes and saw Shin looking at me with a melancholy expression. Shin must have heard these songs before. He told me that him and Nobuo still play together at his house sometimes. Shin's sad eyes were for me.

I knew why his songs were so sad. I just didn't know what to do about it.

A strip of sun appeared through the window and I rubbed my eyes, looking again as if it were an illusion. "Is it really already morning?"

Shin and Yasu were packing up the tiles and I yawned. "I have to go to work, so I have to leave. Sorry, Hachi," Yasu said, tidying up the beer cans.

"Oh, please don't, I can get it. I'm sorry everyone stayed up all night because of me." I reddened, looking down.

Yasu put a comforting hand on my shoulder. "Never hesitate to call on us if you need us around. Never." I blinked at him, but he just smiled and dropped the cans in the trash. "Oh, and when I ask you if everything is okay, I don't just mean with Satsuki, either."

My blush deepened.

I rubbed my eyes again and glanced at the clock on the wall. It was almost seven. Satsuki would be up soon. I yawned just thinking about it.

"I'm sorry Mom, if I didn't have to work, I'd stay and play with Satsuki so you could get some rest." Shin hugged me tightly and pulled back with an apologetic look.

Yasu had already slipped out the door, but Nobuo just sat there on the couch with his guitar in hand, not even playing it anymore. I turned towards him and cocked my head to the side, but he didn't seem to notice me. "Nobuo?" I said softly, and finally, he came out of his daze and looked at me.

His eyes were red and puffy and Shin looked down, unwilling to see. I felt the least I could do was keep his gaze, though. It was my fault his eyes were like that. After a few moments, managed a smile. "I don't have work today, so why don't you get some rest? I'll take Satsuki to school and I'll wake you when she gets home."

Shin smiled softly, waved, and walked out.

"You don't have to do that! I'll be alright…"

His voice was firm as he replied, "I want to. Get some rest."

"Okay…" I wasn't sure what to do, so I just followed his instructions and went into my room and crawled into bed.

The soft sound of his guitar was my lullaby.

---

_Hey Nana, that morning, I wanted nothing more than to gather Nobuo up in my arms and hold him until the earth stopped moving. But I was afraid._

_Do you think I'm a coward?_


	5. Part V

Title: Regrets  
Author: hostilecrayon  
Fandom: NANA  
Pairing: Nobuo/Hachi  
Rating: PG-13  
Warnings: Angst, Spoilers for up to the end of the anime/manga Chapter 84.  
Disclaimer: Nana is property of Ai Yazawa, Cookie and Viz Media.  
Word Count: 922  
Notes: Mint says, and I quote, "Please don't let the next part be the ending! I want to read more from you!" So I blame it not ending yet on her. XD

**Part V**

_Hey Nana, sometimes, when I dream, I see you sitting in the dining room of room 707, smiling at me like you used to back then._

_It makes me wonder if we could ever make our dreams a reality. I used to be so sure._

_Now I'm more inclined to think that dreams will never be anything more than they are… just dreams._

---

Nobuo's hands ran down my bare stomach, his rings catching on my slick skin. I arched my back, pressing myself closer to him, and he smiled, thrusting his hips against mine. We were a tangle of limbs and he leaned down to capture my lips, my hands tangled in his golden hair.

I was enthralled. I was captivated. I was…

Dreaming?

I sat up, wiping the sweat from my brow. Looking at the clock, I could see that it had only been a couple hours from when I had fallen asleep. Nobuo must have already taken Satsuki to school, but just as when I went to sleep, the sound of his guitar floated into my room.

Only this time, he was singing, too.

I got off the bed and moved closer to the door. I couldn't make out the words, but this song, unlike the others, felt like it was filled with hope. It was subdued a little by a melancholy tune, but I could feel it shining through with his soft words that I couldn't understand.

I looked in the mirror and pushed my hair around a bit, trying to flatten it as best as I could. When I opened my bedroom door, the music stopped abruptly.

"I'm sorry, did I wake you?" He set his guitar to the side and ran his fingers through his hair. "You should go back to sleep. It hasn't been very long since you laid down."

"No, you didn't wake me. Ever since I had Satsuki, I've had trouble sleeping in, that's all." I went into the kitchen, bustling around, trying to find something to make us for breakfast. "Are you hungry? I'll make us some eggs."

"You don't have to, it's okay."

I smiled, pulling out the egg carton and putting a pan on the stove. "It's no trouble. I'm used to cooking in the morning, and it's no fun cooking just for myself."

I went about making breakfast, and I wondered why Nobuo had come back here. He could have easily gone home and woke me later. His apartment is even closer to Satsuki's school than mine was.

I set a plate in front of him on the coffee table. "After you eat, you should take a nap. I'll be fine now."

We ate in silence for a while, and I bit my lip, unsure of how to break this awkward tension. It wasn't very often that Nobuo and I were completely alone. The last time we were alone was in the tiny bathroom during the fireworks festival when we cried together.

My fingers went to the now empty ring finger. There's still a white mark from where it had been, like a memory still fading away. He'd asked me then why I still wore the ring, and I didn't answer. I realized it was then that I'd begun thinking of putting it on the other hand.

This act was my answer.

I busy myself by picking up the dishes and cleaning up, and all the while, Nobuo just sits there, watching me.

"That song you were playing before I came out of my room, is that the song you're working on?" I tried to act nonchalant, but I couldn't help stealing glances at him out of the corner of my eye.

His eyes widened slightly and his hand almost instinctually crept towards his guitar, toying with the strings. "You heard me?"

My cheeks reddened a little. "I couldn't make out anything you said, but I really liked it. I didn't know you wrote lyrics."

He sat back, letting out a sigh. "I don't, usually."

There was more awkward silence.

"Well, I guess I should take a shower. Feel free to use my bed if you'd like to sleep." I walked past the couch, but I was stopped short by Nobuo's hand on mine.

"You took it off." I nodded, a lump forming in my throat. His soft brown eyes stared into mine, and I thought that he was going to get up and kiss me. But in the end, he dropped my hand and just said, "I'm glad."

I practically stumbled away, getting clothes and going into the bathroom. It was better this way, and I was the one who didn't want any complications.

So why did I feel so disappointed?

When I got out of the shower, my bedroom door was closed. Nobuo's guitar was still sitting propped up on the couch, and I sat next to it, running my fingers across the neck. The strings let off some sound, and I smiled. I didn't have the gift it took to play, and it felt strange that this guitar that played such beautiful music in Nobuo's hands was nothing more than a decoration for me.

I thought that maybe, I'd ask him to teach me how to play. I'd like to learn that song he played in our kitchen the night I'd first heard Nana sing.

Somehow, it felt like it was our song.

---

_Hey Nana, if I learned how to play the guitar, would you sing for me?_

_Just once would be enough for me._


	6. The Terashima Nobuo Side Story

Title: Regrets  
Author: hostilecrayon  
Fandom: NANA  
Pairing: Nobuo/Hachi  
Rating: PG-13  
Warnings: Angst, Spoilers for up to the end of the anime/manga Chapter 84.  
Disclaimer: Nana is property of Ai Yazawa, Cookie and Viz Media.  
Word Count: 811  
Notes: For those of you who have read the manga (and if you're reading this, I'd hope you have…), you probably noticed the couple of side stories that occur. That's what this is. Not really a chapter, and yet still part of the story. This is the Nobuo side story, and if this story goes on for a little while, there might end up being a Shinichi side story, too. Also, please note that there is not the traditional "Hey Nana" opening or ending because this is Nobuo's point of view. That sort of opening is only for Hachi.

**The Terashima Nobuo Side Story**

I knew she was the one for me the first time I saw her. Some people might think that's an exaggeration, but I think it's a lot closer to the notion of true love. I guess you could say I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic. That can be seen pretty easily by the fact that I still can't get over her.

When I showed up in Tokyo, my only thoughts were of playing my guitar for Oosaki Nana. But when I met with her in her apartment, she introduced me to the other Nana, the Nana our group has come to refer to as Hachi, or Hachikou, our loyal dog. She not really a dog, of course, and though she can be cute and is ever loyal to the members of the former Black Stones, I've never thought of her as such. Hachi was just a cute nickname and an easy way to tell the two apart.

Oosaki may have wanted to keep her as a pet, but I wanted to make her my wife.

But I guess I'm getting ahead of myself. After all, Oosaki Nana isn't Oosaki anymore. And Komatsu Nana isn't Komatsu, either. Therein lies my problem.

Ichinose Nana is no longer free to be taken.

If you would have asked me then why I fell for Hachi, I probably would have spouted out all sorts of romantic nonsense, but I've grown up since then, and I'm able to see things for what they really were. Nana was right about me. I wanted to play the hero. But even more than that, there is something about her personality that resonates with mine. Even now, when I am near her, I feel pulled into this juxtaposition, and I think even if twenty years went by, I would feel the same.

But unlike then, the closer we get, the clearer I can see the danger now. As much as I crave being near her, I understand that we aren't kids anymore, and there are some things that just can't be changed.

Hachi has become a woman. In many ways, she is more elegant and beautiful than ever. But time has not been good to the relationship between us. It has been forever tainted by the choices we made before we were old enough to really make them. I have this bad habit of asking myself what could have been if only I had done things differently, but it's much too late for that. Hindsight, as they say, is always twenty twenty.

In reality, I haven't changed as much as I'd like to think. Here I am, lying in Hachi's bed, surrounded by her smell of warm vanilla with just a hint of cinnamon, and it makes it impossible to convince myself that I've given up on the idea of her and me. It's times like these that I think that we couple recapture what we once had. Sometimes it seems it might even be as easy as just capturing her lips with mine. But I know better.

Where would we go from there? Hachi may be separated from Takumi, but she is still married. She still has Satsuki, a constant reminder of the past. It has been years since we were together. I don't even know how she feels about me now.

Would I be so easily discarded a second time?

I've had my fair share of relationships since that time, but it's hard to keep a relationship going when you judge your significant other by how they compare to someone else. In the end, no one ever measures up. I never stopped loving her, and I brought that with me into my other relationships.

It's no wonder I'm single now.

I'm not as bitter as I once was, but I still can't help but steer clear of starting new relationships. I tried and I failed. It's just how the cards fell.

Maybe I didn't try hard enough. Nana was right, yet again. I gave her up too easily. For her happiness, I'd said. Neither of us ended up with happiness, but that's just something I have to accept.

Even if, by some random stroke of luck, we were together again, I don't know that it could be the same. I don't know if I could trust so easily. She will always have my heart, but my blind faith in the goodness of our relationship is something lost in the past.

We aren't children anymore, and that childlike purity will never return.

I wish I had my guitar. Instead, I'll just burrow myself deeper into this bed that smells of things I lost before I even knew what I had and think about the warmth of her hand that I felt only moments ago; a hand that no longer bore the ring of reminder.

So much for giving up.


	7. Part VI

Title: Regrets  
Author: hostilecrayon  
Fandom: NANA  
Pairing: Nobuo/Hachi  
Rating: PG  
Warnings: Angst, Spoilers for up to the end of the anime/manga Chapter 84.  
Disclaimer: Nana is property of Ai Yazawa, Cookie and Viz Media.  
Word Count: 802  
Notes: Not much to say. Hachi's not feeling so good…

**Part VI**

_Hey Nana, do you remember when you punched Nobuo in the face for making me cry? You told him not to make me cry with unfinished business, and I thought then that you were wrong, that it was the other way around._

_Even now, he still cries for the same reason._

_I really am a terrible person._

---

Nobuo slept straight into the afternoon. When I came back from picking up Satsuki, his guitar was no longer propped against the couch, and the apartment was empty. I sent him a text thanking him for letting me sleep, but I didn't get a reply.

Several days passed. I kept myself busy with work, putting in extra hours at the office. I needed the money and the daycare center at Satsuki's school was understanding. A week went by, and then two. I hadn't heard from Nobuo and I kept my conversations with Shin brief.

I created a barrier around myself that no one but Satsuki could penetrate.

It had been a month since I had seen any of the Blast members, so when my phone rang, I fully expected it to be Shin or Yasu. I didn't expect it to be Takumi.

"I'm in town for the week, and I'd like to see my daughter." That was his greeting, and I couldn't blame him. He was still upset that I had refused his help with housing and thought I was just being stubborn.

I sighed. "It's about time. Satsuki asks about you every night. It's been so long since I've heard from you that I just don't know what to tell her anymore."

It was so rare that Takumi came to town, and I knew it meant that he wanted to have Satsuki for a little while. Usually this meant I would spend a few nights out on the town with Shin, and we'd always had at least one group night while he was in town. But I didn't feel up to it this time.

So once we'd made the arrangements for him to pick up Satsuki, I didn't e-mail Shin like I would have normally. Instead, I called the office and let them know I would have more time for a little while so that they could schedule me for more hours. My employer wanted me to work more anyway, and it was an easy way to make more money. Takumi said that he would be in town for a month, and that could add up to a lot of extra money.

When Takumi showed up, he was cordial, and he asked me, as he did every time he came, if I was sure that this life was what I really wanted, and I politely but firmly told him it was. He just sighed, mumbling something about not understanding women, and left with Satsuki.

Moments after he left, I went to work. There was a huge project at work, and my boss had been calling for anyone who could to work extra hours to speed up the progress. For the next week, I did nothing but work and sleep. I drank a lot of coffee, something I don't do normally, to keep myself awake for long periods of time, and there was more than one day that I worked for over twenty hours straight. I forgot to reply to more than a couple of e-mails.

My employer was grateful for my enthusiasm, and said that thought he appreciated my work and that it wasn't a problem for me to work long hours during this hectic time, but he expressed concern for my health and asked me to take it easy if I was feeling overworked.

I didn't listen. It was getting harder to stay up for long periods of time, so I started taking energy pills along with the coffee. Another week passed, and I could no longer remember what day it was. I hadn't answered my cell phone in days. There were dark circles under my eyes. But through it all, I just kept working.

Nobuo still hadn't responded.

I don't know what day it happened, or even what time it was, just that I was standing, about to go get another cup of coffee when it happened. My vision blurred, and I think someone asked me if I was alright. I put my hand on the side of my desk to steady myself, but for some reason it put me even more off balance.

As I started to fall, all I was thinking was that there was no one left in my life to catch me.

And then it went black.

---

_Hey Nana, laying in that hospital bed, only half-conscious, I realized that I no longer call Nobuo 'Nobu'. I don't even know why._

_When did I become so distant?_


	8. Part VII

Title: Regrets  
Author: hostilecrayon  
Fandom: NANA  
Pairing: Nobuo/Hachi  
Rating: PG  
Warnings: Angst, Spoilers for up to the end of the anime/manga Chapter 84.  
Disclaimer: Nana is property of Ai Yazawa, Cookie and Viz Media.  
Word Count: 954  
Notes: More ANGST. What can I say? It's what I do best.

**Part VII**

_Hey Nana, I think I understand how you felt always relying on everyone around you. No matter how much I try to be independent, I end up leaning on my friends._

_I don't know if I'll ever be able to stand on my own two feet, without someone there to let me rest when I get tired._

---

"…a severe lack of nutrition with a combination of an excess of caffeine without enough sleep is what it boils down to. The co-worker that brought her here said that she had been taking energy pills and drinking a lot of coffee without resting. She said she had been working for forty-eight hours straight when she passed out."

"Forty-eight hours?" The familiar voice sounded surprised, but through my sleep fueled haze, I couldn't place the voice to a name.

"Yes, I was concerned when I heard that, as well. In any case, there won't be any long term effects, but I'd advise her to take some time off of work to rest. She'll need to eat properly as well as take the vitamins I prescribed. No energy pills or coffee, either." I could hear the disapproving tone in this unfamiliar voice as I became more conscious.

"Of course," said the second voice, and thinking about it, I realized that it was Yasu. "You can rest assured she will be taken good care of."

"Good. My main concern is why she would do this to herself. I've also recommended a good psychiatrist that she can see if she is having trouble."

More awake now, I chose to keep my eyes closed and listen rather than alert anyone.

"Thank you for taking such good care of her, Doctor. I'll handle the rest."

I could hear the doctor leave and I tried to continue feigning sleep, but Yasu said, "You can open your eyes now, Hachi."

I did, my face flushing. "How did you know?"

"Your breathing changed a couple of minutes ago." I looked at him, surprised to see a soft smile on his face. "You really don't listen to advice, do you?"

He was referring, of course, to his words at my apartment a while back. I felt too foolish to reply, so I changed the subject. "Where's Shin? He must have been the one the hospital called. He's my emergency contact." When Takumi had left for London and I moved out, I decided to change my contact information to someone who was nearby, and I'd chosen Shin without much thought. While Yasu was a friend, we weren't very close, and Nobuo… well, Shin was the best choice.

"Since Takumi is still technically your husband, they called him, too. Shin and Nobuo are outside… talking to him." Yasu's tone was amused and I groaned. I wondered then just what I'd slept through.

Then it dawned on me. "Nobuo's out there?"

"Of course, where else would he be?" I tried to get up, almost pulling the IV out of my arm, but Yasu put a firm hand on my shoulder and pushed me back down. "You'll hurt yourself. If you want to talk to him, I'll go get him."

"No, it's just-" But Yasu was already outside and I was left to think about how exactly the meeting between Nobuo and Takumi went. They never got to the point where they were quite cordial, and with Shin there to further that unfriendliness, it very well could have been quite the sight. It reminded me of when I found out that Shin had poured his drink on Takumi, and it made me smile at the thought of it. Too bad I couldn't have seen it.

"Mom!" Shin burst inside, coming over to hug me gingerly. "You shouldn't make your children worry. When I got the phone call, my heart dropped out of my chest."

"I'm sorry," I said, my eyes watering.

Shin pulled back then, his expression sad. "Why didn't you call me? Takumi said he picked up Satsuki weeks ago."

The tears started to fall, and I balled my hands into fists in the sheets. "I'm supposed to be strong! I have to stop relying on people! I keep telling myself that, but…" _I feel so alone._

"Still causing trouble, I see." Junko walked in with Kyosuke close behind. An unlit cigarette hung from his mouth.

"You should be more careful, Nana." He took a seat in the corner, stretching out like a cat.

"Junko, how did you know?"

She sat at the end of the bed, sighing. "Yasu called us."

"I thought you were busy with work?"

Junko's eyes narrowed playfully. "I was until I found out you were in the hospital."

My blush seemed to be permanently attached to my face, and the tears wouldn't stop coming. Yasu came back in, resuming his seat from earlier, and Shin leaned back against the wall next to me.

Yasu was quiet, staring at the wall. I wanted to ask where Nobuo was, but I didn't think I had the right.

Everyone stayed until visiting hours were over, but Nobuo never showed. They wanted me to stay over one night for observation, and Yasu told me that they'd be back in the morning to have me released.

As upset as I was that Nobuo didn't even come to see me while I was awake, I was still extremely exhausted, and I'd been given sleeping medication , so I fell asleep shortly after everyone was gone.

When I woke up, I was alone, but there was a vase with bright red roses sitting on the table beside me.

There was no card.

---

_Hey Nana, do you think it's alright to hope for things I have no right to have?_


End file.
